About a week before I started chemotherapy, I found myself sitting on the floor of my kitchen crying uncontrollably. Earlier that day, I went for an echocardiogram in order to get cleared for this part of my treatment. I got pulled over, and a police officer gave me a ticket for a moving violation. This was the first time in almost 20 years of driving. It felt as if the world around me was crumbling down. I felt so incredibly alone and scared. I remember in my hysterics trying to figure out what I had done to deserve this. I considered myself to be a decent person. I tried to be kind to animals and the environment, so I was vegan for quite a while. I yearned to share my love of hot yoga, so I taught. I had tried to create awareness of human trafficking and dedicated a lot of time and energy to bringing light to that cause. Was there something so horribly wrong with me that it was beyond my basic comprehension?! How could this be?! How could this happen?!
In the years that came before this diagnosis, I was so desperately trying to find romantic love. Yet there was this voice that always nagged me – you’ll never find anyone to love you, you are so deeply flawed, there is so much that is wrong with you. I tried to comfort myself with the reminder that I was able to take care of myself. I paid my own way. So, there was that. Each time someone I knew got engaged, married, and had some sort of major milestone in that area, it was like a blow to the gut. See – you’ll never have that. Seeing bridal magazines had a similar effect on me. I often wondered if they were displayed for me to see to mock me. Even if there was someone in my life, it never really felt real and secure and committed. I would cry seeing couples who looked happy together feeling like that was so out of my reach.
The Monday after that dreadful Friday of dealing with the police, hospital stuff, and a whole lot of tears, I received a horribly mean email from the person heading the account that I worked on. Now not only was I fighting for my life, but I was afraid that I was going to lose my job. I was so scared that I would no longer have health insurance. Cancer treatment is expensive even when a lot is covered through insurance: chemotherapy, radiation, and targeted therapy. I reached out to a close relative who is also an attorney and started compiling all sorts of documentation that I could use if I needed to save myself. I felt like I was drowning. There didn’t seem like anything that I could hold onto. I tried to remember that love shared by one of my dearest friends in California. She got on the phone with me before 6am her time upon learning of my diagnosis. “Get up – we are fighting this.” Her words helped to rescue me.
Fortunately, a spot on another account was found for me. Maybe my employer feared a lawsuit. Who knows. (Note to self: I still have the email). As I was transitioning off of that dreaded account – which happened to be a cancer hospital (insult to injury and irony), I had to train up a few people on some of my responsibilities. Not too surprising, but I had essentially had a dual role on the account and was doing the work of more than 2 people. One of the women I was training was preparing for her wedding and honeymoon. She was about to be gone for a few weeks for a wonderful occasion to celebrate. I was only taking the days of chemotherapy off as the fear of being without an income and insurance were more than I could handle.
The tears were many and often. I did not begrudge this woman for having a great life and one that seemed so promising. I felt like this was just life showing me that any sort of happy ending was way out of reach. I had a port in my chest, my hair was falling out, and I was told that I was about go into chemo-induced early menopause. Is this what I get for cutting my Barbie dolls’ hair really short?! One of my friends asked me if my parents were upset that I was single to which I responded that my parents were just hoping that I would make it to my next birthday. A relationship – I could not even look in the mirror. Dating – what do you think of bald women who were losing their eyebrows and eyelashes?! Probably not your type. I don’t fault you for that.
Throughout this journey, it seemed like all the negative and horrible things that I said to myself, and I believed were being manifested. I felt as if I was so very damaged and destroyed. Rather than seeing myself as someone who was strong and brave in the face of combat, I saw myself as pathetic – unlovable and very much alone. It was awful.
Many of those fears come to haunt me when I am feeling especially vulnerable. Yet – I’ve had quite the epiphany aided by therapy, EMDR, acupuncture, yoga, reading and soul searching. I figured out the wrongdoing: the words and violent thoughts that I used against myself perpetuated for years. I would have never and still would never address anyone in the manner that I spoke to myself. Those thoughts and fears and sadness against myself grew stronger and ultimately metastasized. Now must be the time for this cycle of internal destruction to end.
None of us is without flaws. And that is great – it is called being human. It is our scars and battle wounds that make us uniquely beautiful. Our thoughts are incredibly powerful. They can be felt by others. They can manifest in our bodies. The connection between our minds and our bodies is very real. I’ll be sharing more about this very soon.
If you are reading this, I urge you to love yourself. I hope that you can look in the mirror and remind yourself that flaws and all, you’re okay. You’re more than okay – you’re great. We all are.
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